I have a question. Now I need an answer.

I am seated before my computer, typing this when I've the feeling I should be doing something else. I'm not a pessimist, or at least I don't like to think I am, but I guess I'm not cut out to write fiction.
Yet.
Okay, maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I've never talked about anything but me, me, me on this blog. Am I seeing it as a soapbox, a pulpit, or a journal? I honestly don't know. Much as I want to write, I can't simply have a technician fiddle around in my brain like Isaac Asimov's robot-writer Cal.
Beside me on my PC's desk is the black NKJV Bible I got at Funan Centre last year. It sits unopened, untapped, like a spirituality vehicle I use for two hours every Sunday and gathers dust the remaining 166. It seems to be accusing me, piercing my soul like the sword it says it is. Perhaps God is gently tugging at my heart, letting me know apart from Him I can do nothing? I'm not sure I like this--it seems to me a sort of blackmail, a sort of this-is-my-dream-it-isn't-fair anger toward the whole business.
Much as I love Him, I cannot fathom why He must do the things He does. They say our minds are too small, too incapable of truly understanding the riches He has in store for us. I think they may be right--when our children misbehave, screw up their homework, or go down the wrong paths do we all not desire they come to us, to make sense of it all?
Perhaps I should see God not as a cosmic sergeant-major, yelling over and over, "The Army way is the only way!" He is more of the Father He says He is, letting us fall when our inability shows, but being there to pick us up, and look to Him when we stumble once again. No matter how many stumbles we have, He doesn't look up from His list and sternly remind us, "This is your fourth time, Zhengping. Aren't you failing a few times too many?" He knows all the rejection He will get from us, all the mud we throw in His face, and all the pain we will one day feel for it.
But still, He loves us.

Hmmph. You think, when He created parental love, that was what He had in mind?