Guest review: The Sims 2

Isaac Lu (meepokman) reviews The Sims 2

 

I like to make it clear that while I do reviews for momentary enjoyment, I decided to ditch the idea about 2 months ago due to FUCKING RETARDED shit from school. Don’t ask me why I am doing this now, because life has a strange way with twisting my arm.

But why The Sims 2 of all things, why not maybe Oblivion, or Assassin’s Creed, some game that you twats will actually read seriously and maybe leave comments for a change, well, ok, that reason is private.

Ok children, enough ragging, let’s go on to the sexy foul-mouthed gibbering.

The Sims 2 is a game which puts you as a sort of God in the life of some seemingly ordinary people, while in reality it makes you more like a slave (you know, just like in real life). It is the kind of game that only gets fun at some moments but boring and repetitive in most. Still, I don’t really know why I am complaining, after all the game developers made it so absorbing and addictive that any complaint about this game would be a slap in the balls to myself for playing it.

The animations are good and varied, the character stats and control are well designed, and you get to do lots of things you don’t get to do in real life, like for example killing off people you don’t like by building a fence around them. Ok, maybe you do get to do that but only if you are Fidel Castro or some other commie bastard.

Another plus point is that despite its good animations and graphics, it does not lag the system much like COD4 as I reviewed before. Ok, I may be out of line by saying that as my computer is a monster however you look at it, but even on my 3-year-old system, it was smooth.

Sims can go to town, buy pets, even have sex on the street if you play your cards right. I guess the main reason everyone will like this game is because it offers a deeper style of life as compared to our own boring and/or depressing ones (yes, I’m talking about YOU).

Now, no matter how good a game is, faults are ever present. The game is repetitive, for lack of a better word. Your Sims do the same fucking thing day after day, with only the odd party or baby thrown in to go the game more meaning, but they only last a short while. Still EA assuages it somewhat by throwing out expansions the way mad Arab leaders throw out Scuds at Israel. But now, even they are losing their appeal, and makes you want to rename “The Sims 2” into “Boring Life 2”. Still, I don’t know why I am complaining, I played it for 3 years straight after all, not including The Sims which I played upon release (2000) until its sequel came out.

Still, it seems that the series will be doomed with all the newer games life Grand Theft Auto coming out, that lets you do much the same thing, except with police chases and outright murder.

Overall though, I recommend this game. It is being sold cheap and will give you years of enjoyment, while only asking that you destroy your social life in return (not that you had much of one to begin with if you were really interested in the game). Of course, if purse strings are tight, I say save up for Crysis or Gears of War for the PC (see earlier reviews).

Fine with that, now the H.O.N.O.U.R. system. (http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2007/12/oms-and-airborne.html at the bottom of the post)

H – Honesty

10/10 here, story (if any) was never meant to make sense and the developers just rolled with it. You can make your own monstrosity of a story anytime you want.

O – Originality

8/10. Done to death in MMORPGs and in The Sims, but yet remains fun… for about 3 years or so.

N – N-joyment

5/10 in this case. You don’t “enjoy” controlling your Sims, but the game turns you into a glutton for punishment, keeping you playing for hours.

O – Overhype

9/10, promised stuff delivered, no questions asked. Only issue is bugs and endless expansions which are pathetic attempts to keep it going.

U – User-friendliness

10/10, if you don’t know how to control the game, check yourself into some mental institution.

R – Revisitability

10/10. Hard to explain, play it yourself to understand. (Too lazy to explain)

Overall rating:

9.4/ 10 Fun and nice, not perfect.

Review by: Isaac Lu

Imaginary background music: Isaac Lu

Idea for reviews: Isaac Lu and Lu Zheng Ping

Gracefully hosted by: Lu Zheng Ping

H.O.N.O.U.R. system by: Lu Zheng Ping

Not blogging anymore it seems: Lu Zheng Ping

Just to make it clear, I rarely do reviews anymore, unless more people tell me they want me to. isaacluzr@gmail.com

Perform CPR on the comments page below please.

JOHN MCCAIN 2008!! READY TO LEAD ON DAY ONE!! http://www.johnmccain.com/

Epi Unleashed, and TIH #7

Know I haven't posted in a while, but the VCF Epistole blog will soon be ready and I've got every cylinder full with studies (a lot of studies), training and writing projects. That, and The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Sigh.

But take a gander at http://epiunleashed.wordpress.com, which in good time will tell everything you need to know. And I may be putting up a guest review of said Elder Scrolls game soon enough.

I don't know how often I'll be able to post here, so here's Things I Hate #7:

Auto-flushing toilets

Al Gore would have a fit with the fact the first thing I do before taking my dump is to wad a piece of toilet paper and toss it into the john so the water doesn't splash.

Then the autoflush kicks in like, barely two minutes later. Now there's two choices:

1. Wad another piece of toilet paper

2. Forget it happened and cringe as it splashes up onto your butt

So either way, you end up using far more TP than you have to, and you've to leave the toilet with the insinuation you're too dumb to flush after yourself.

And I thought a university was supposed to make you smarter.

Things I Hate #8: Those Ads on TVMobile (and TVMobile itself, come to think of it)

That's right.

Come on, two of the downright WORST ads I've ever seen were on TVMobile, and on a bus you're at best a captive audience. Every time they publish their viewership stats I want to puke.

Because it's not a valid viewership stat if viewers have not freely chosen to watch your channel. That's the obvious gauge of a TV channel's popularity--how many tune in out of their free choice, not how many buses keep you forced to the tube while you ride them.

Imagine this--I'm putting dogs through feed trials. How accurate do you suppose the results will be if I chained the dogs up, left only MR. KIBBLE brand dog food for them to munch on 24/7, and refused to allow them any other kind of nourishment?

No other brands. No other food. No biscuits. Just MR. KIBBLE.

And presto, I announce that out of 100 pooches sample, 95% took to it like bees to honey, wolfing it down and growing healthy and happy.

I neglect to mention what happens to the other 5%--but would this kind of trial be a fair indication of the taste and nutritional value of MR. KIBBLE?

It's the same thing for TVMobile. Right now it's filled with banal advertisements you need the patience of Job to sit through--and at least God could hear Job when he complained.

Just two examples that really churn my stomach:

BILE-INDUCING ADVERT #1:

That Environmentalism Ad With The Long-Faced Young People and The Stupid Music in The Background

I'm not as creative as most people in advertising, but whoever dreamed up this ad are NOT "most people". First is the horrible tune that jars ears and irritates everyone to the point they turn and look out for what's making that hideous noise; only to find out it's the overture for a hyper-serious young man beginning to preach for the Church of Environmentalism. He speaks one sentence; then it's a girl, then an-NOTH-er guy and they ARE ALL sPEA-king Li-IKE this.

"If I can work for a cleaner and greener environment..." the last speaker says. All I can reply is don't expect me to join you, feller. You've just cost me three minutes of my life I'll never get back. And if my ears could afford lawyers, they'd sue.

BILE-INDUCER #2:

That Long, Long, Long Trailer for The Leap Years That Shows Scene After Scene From The Movie With No Rhyme Or Reason And Then Somehow Expects Us To Be Interested Enough To See It Despite Thinking "OK, Enough Already!" A Dozen Times

I think I've made my point after those few words. The movie trailer, unfortunately, doesn't--instead, we're treated to snippet after snippet of Wong Li-Lin, Ananda Everingham and the cast of The Leap Years as the movie's plot plays out in vignette-calendar picture-vignette-vignette-calendar-vignette-repeat order. Gee, Mr. Marketing Man, did the studio bosses threaten to have you fired, roasted and well-done if you didn't take pains to show EVERY cast member in the trailer? The obsession the trailer has with covering everyone from Wong to Vernetta Lopez to Qi Yuwu is just plain creepy. Less regard seems to have been shown to audience information and cohesion than to simply having cast members go about their business as if to say "This is a very emotionally-charged movie!"

I'm not interested in going on and on and dragging myself down to that level; the trailer doesn't deserve my emulation, thanks very much.

Guest review 6: Call of Duty 4 (again)

Isaac Lu (meepokman) reviews Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Now, I know I have not written in a long time; no excuse for that, mainly laziness. I never intended to do this now but upon witnessing my horrible English in an online conversation, I gave myself a good slap in the bollocks.

Now Call of Duty 4 has been hailed by critics as much as some Indians do a deformed human which they regard as some kind of god for no good reason at all. (It depends on who does the beholding--Ed.)

Upon popping in the disc, I prepared myself for a fucked-up experience, as all games hailed by critics tend to be all shoved up the development team’s arse twice over. But put away your shit shields readers, it is not that bad.

For those of you who are not familiar with Call of Duty, it started out as one of THE BEST WW2 shooters in the market. It was followed a couple of years later by COD2. Also quite good, but did not have the same wow factor as the first. Then, the publishers decided that they could squeeze the licence a little more and made COD3. It is quite enough to say it sucked (along with all the sucky portable-console versions that shit on themselves).

COD 4 manages to rescue some of the original flavour while farting in your face at others. Game play in single player is broken up into a Yank prick and a Brit smart arse. Both are mute, something I hate in games almost as evil hadjis. (see http://www.thereligionofpeace.com/) The American parts focus more on stupid action with retards as your teammates. It is quite enough to say that the US Marines have to reject this game altogether, as it portrays them as total idiots. Thankfully, the Yank is killed VERY early in the game. The rest of the game follow the SAS (Special Air Service) using stealth mixed with action. The SAS parts are darn well done, making you suspect that the American parts were all done when the dev team was high on Viagra.

Overall, the SP is fun for the most part, although the Yanks clearly fuck up, without giving too many spoilers.

Now, I don’t do this most of the time but I have to say that multi-player is where the game excels in. It is nothing short of GREAT, FABULOUS or maybe all kinds of similar words to describe it. Hardcore or casual action is up to you, countless styles of game play paired up with many low lag servers in Australia or New Zealand, which are available all the time.

It is well worth buying in my opinion, with a great SAS campaign, well countering its bastard sibling in the Marine sections. Oh yes, I forgot, the graphics are GREAT even though they hardly drain the computer at all.

I would greatly recommend this game, although it is a far cry from say Crysis, (see http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2008/02/guest-review-5-crysis.html) or Kane and Lynch (see http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2008/01/guest-review-2-because-i-tired.html). If you have some spare cash after buying both afore-mentioned games, I would really recommend it.

Darn, I forgot again, multi-player also has this damn cool character development system. You can upgrade your weapons and gain new ranks... cool stuff like that.

Anyway, that aside, the awaited H.O.N.O.U.R. system. (http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2007/12/oms-and-airborne.html at the bottom of the post)

H – Honesty

4/10. Shitty story which hardly makes sense. The supposed “same location” in “the middle east” jumps all over the place. No NBC (Nuclear, Biological and Chemical suits) are in the Yank parts despite the threat of a nuke in the city. Use of cheap tricks to drive the plot, although it does get 4/10 due to the cool SAS parts.

O – Originality

Single Player—1/10. Same old boring shit as other rip offs. I don’t give out Zeros but then again, maybe I should.

Multi Player—9/10. Just plain cool. At least they try something different with the MP areas of the game. Not as good as say… Insurgency, which is a FREE MOD but still one of the best MP games out there.

N – N-joyment

7/10. Fun for the most part, with the SAS and multiplayer. But the Marine sections just bring dishonour to the men who have defended freedom since 1775!!

O – Overhype

5/10. Single player never really delivered. MP though makes up for it… ALTHOUGH NOT ENOUGH!! CALL OF DUTY IS A SINGLE PLAYER GAME FIRST YOU PRICKS AT THE DEV TEAM!!

U – User-friendliness

8/10. Good for the most part, easy to use controls, although not being able to upgrade weapons in the field like you can in Crysis kills the score a little.

R – Revisitability

10/10. Nothing to complain about here; the game has the “let’s play it again and again” feel to it.

Overall rating:

8/10. A cool and fun game. A must-buy if you are into this sought of mindless action, but still not as good as Crysis.

Credits:

Review by: Isaac Lu

Imaginary background music: Isaac Lu

Idea for reviews: Isaac Lu and Lu Zheng Ping

Gracefully hosted by: Lu Zheng Ping

H.O.N.O.U.R. system by: Lu Zheng Ping

Smacked for being lazy and not updating the blog by me: Lu Zheng Ping

Ask me how much I want to hantam my own Archbishop: isaacluzr@gmail.com

Please don’t worry about shitting on the comments page. I welcome all feedback, even if you are a blind democrat who spills hate speech.

VOTE FOR MCCAIN!! FOR FREEDOM!! http://www.johnmccain.com/

Things I Hate #9: School

I've had a thing against surrendering five to six hours daily against my will to sadistic bullies who knew full well primary one through secondary two kids were somehow too young to figure out they were being bullied.

Pull out the cane! Snatch his exercise book! Look, he's fucking crying!

(Those were the teachers, by the way.)

Yep, those days are over, but very few of my memories from primary and lower secondary school are particularly pleasant. Beyond that I think I did OK, but how much of that was due to the sadism of The Worst Example Of A Christian I Have Ever Met and the relish The Wicked Chinese Teacher of the East took in tormenting me, I've no idea.

And fortunately, my Lower Primary Chinese teacher, I've forgotten your name or even which year you taught me, but you expect an 8-year-old kid to know his mom's supposed to flip through every shitty page of his damned exercise book and personally sign it? Sure, humiliate him for being helpful and signing the stupid thing himself.

<Censored> you. No, it's not the F-bomb in there; the thought's just too unpleasant. And I do remember the name of a slandering b*****d in Sec 2 who made me stand at the back of the class for something I didn't do (and that was before I knew I could complain to the principal).

So there you have it; I like to think I turned out OK, but I'd never wish the horrors of my first 8 years of education on anyone. Whoever heaps accolades on times like this for "toughening me up" deserves to be shot.

(And no, I don't mean that literally. I fully respect their right to say whatever claptrap they wish.)

So only time and fading memory prevent school from being higher on the list. Stay tuned for #8...

... Make up your own mind...

... because I'm too (busy/disgusted/tired of arguing points which feels too much like school). Pick one.

http://timescolumns.typepad.com/gledhill/2008/02/has-the-archbis.html#more

More to come; I wrote an essay before the Archbishop spoke up, but it might do with a little updating. Till then, see you round...

Meanwhile I leave you with a verse to digest--Ezekiel 22:26. Look it up.

Guest review 5: Crysis

Ok, now that I have stopped drooling over my copy of Crysis I guess it is time to review it. Just before I got the game, I was thinking about how many reviewers are whores for graphics and are therefore saying it was great for just that reason. When I got the dough to buy it myself, I realized that was not the case-- but I can now piss over the console crowd with Crysis. (not that I have not been pissing on you, it is just that I have a bigger reason to now, if you remember my Gears of War review.)

Crysis is a game that features a squad of elite US Army Special Forces troops in cool-looking nanosuits which have the power to enhance everything from strength to speed. They're flown in to the Lingshan Islands (in the Philippine Sea) to rescue a research team that the North Koreans have captured and done horrible things to. The plot goes on, and aliens appear for a good arse fuck somewhere around halfway through the game. It then has a shitty cliff-hanger ending that I hate, for the record. Well, that is basically the story in a nutshell.

Right, for the good. Crysis stands out in just everything, from a believable story (aside from it being too close to the present day) to well drawn characters and AI. If you realize, I tend to give less word count in the review to graphics, as I feel that it is not as important as AI, story or gameplay. Don’t worry, it will stay the same this week. The graphics are great, everything looks like how they do in real life, and it is the kind of stuff graphics whores will love… yes, that’s all I will say about it.

Now for the game play.

Controls are top notch, with more than enough bindings and with a keyboard and mouse, headshots are easy as usual. But this time, all the controls are overhauled to give PC players a fun experience. A good example is The Witcher which is not like some horrible console port (see Medal of Honor: Airborne), which features too much pandering to the dirty underlings of the console world, not giving the heavenly PC players what they deserve. AI is also close to perfect, with the Korean bastards who try to kill you using proper squad tactics and therefore, making the whole game a satisfying challenge from one fight to another. The world is vastly open ended, with endless paths into enemy camps to do all sorts of things. My preferred method is to turn invisible for a short time with my nanosuit and give the Koreans a nasty surprise from behind, something stalkers will enjoy. THE GAME ALSO HAS A FUCKING GOOD SHOTGUN. Something I love, if you have read my Gears of War review.

Still, there are things that fuck up a game, no matter how good.

For one, Crysis has a horrible cliff hanger ending that I hate so much, because I see these things as a gimmick to milk the series for even more money. Another thing is the horrible treatment of my computer system. I wanted to go to the United Nations for international crimes against my computer, but knowing how useless they are I just turned down the graphics even more. Don’t get me wrong, the game still looks better that all others in the market now even with medium graphical setting.

One level is also fucked up. At one point, you are to go into an alien ship with zero gravity. It is easy to get lost, as everywhere looks the same. I call it the "Halo series” syndrome, where areas are identical to each other and the level designer is just crazy.

Still, BUY THIS GAME. It is the best of 2007 and I doubt anything in 2008 is going to top it. Ok, fine, except Brothers in Arms 3, but SHUT UP I am trying to make a point here. Even if your computer is not powerful, you will still have great fun, although you will be missing out on the lovely graphics. But that's about it.

Now... the H.O.N.O.U.R. system. (http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2007/12/oms-and-airborne.html at the bottom of the post).

H – Honesty

9/10. All in the story is great, except the shitty ending.

O – Originality

8/10. Cool new nanosuit idea never used in a game before but same shooter mechanics as before. Nothing wrong with that but it just docks the “O” score a little.

N – N-joyment

9.9/10. The whole game is DAMN FUN, one of the best of the year. Only slight problems with one mission, but nothing to stop you from buying it.

O – Overhype

10/10. All that was promised was delivered. Nothing to shit on here.

U – User-friendliness

10/10. Perfect controls, well done user interface and cool nanosuit powers.

R – Revisitability

9/10. Just something you cannot get tired of playing. Thrashing North Koreans never gets old.

Overall rating: 9.9/10. Almost perfect. Not there yet, but then again, who is, except maybe John McCain.

Credits:

Review by: Isaac Lu

Imaginary background music: Isaac Lu

Idea for reviews: Isaac Lu and Lu Zheng Ping

Gracefully hosted by: Lu Zheng Ping

H.O.N.O.U.R. system by: Lu Zheng Ping

Smashed down and reassembled by: Lu Zheng Ping

Ask me why I spit on console players the same way Indians of a higher caste do on lower ones at: isaacluzr@gmail.com

Now, I am getting tired of saying this but please FILL UP THE COMMENTS PAGE!! It is the least you can do after all the work I put in.

 

JOHN McCAIN FOR PRESIDENT!! http://johnmccain.com/

Not yet

No guest review yet, folks; there's been a little delay. Check back Tuesday; thanks!

TOP TEN THINGS I HATE: #10

OK, here's an attempt at writing something more whimsical than the ravings of some mad mullahs far, far away. Please note that the exact magnitude of my hatred of something has nothing to do with its nature whatsoever; Islamic terror is as likely to be on this list as fluffy dice in cars and cheesy environmental-awareness ads. Without further ado, presenting no. 10...

10. BULK ORDERS AT FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS

Imagine joining a nice and short queue, probably no more than two or three people in front of you. Then it dawns on you why THIS queue is so short and everyone else is lining up at the others--because the person in front is doing all the talking and his tray is filling up with enough food to feed the entire SAF.

You've seen it, I'm sure; huge families, groups of students sending one rep to order while they huddle over piles of change; or a gigantic take-out. These orders are unavoidable though something of a nuisance; but at least I'm more annoyed than outright willing to pull a... wait, guns are banned. I've no time to think of consequences for holding up the line while so many more servings are piled on, so I'll just serve this up as no. 10 on my list.

More to come...

A Disgusted Anglican

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article3292032.ece

This brother in the Church of England shouldn't need protection in his adopted country; it's hardly any surprise when murderous b*****ds threaten your life in Pakistan, but for them to do so in England is just...

Never mind what he said might just have been true. The only thing the church authorities care about is the "progress" they have made towards dialogue--the support they ought to be giving a fellow-servant of the Lord is thrown aside in an attempt to carry on the misguided denials they spout over and over again.

I don't know how true the Bishop of Rochester's claims are. I don't know if his colleagues are ever going to see reason or convince the Muslim population to do likewise. But I think this--an organisation that shows so little regard for a brother and so much regard for what Muslims will think has no place telling Islam (which hasn't shown much desire to return the favour) what to do; and one that so eagerly forsakes its vision has no place telling ME what to do and believe either.

Frankly, it's one of those times I'm fundamentally disgusted to be an Anglican... and fundamentally thankful our Lordship is in heaven, beyond distinction of denomination or board.

Stand firm in the faith and the God we all trust and serve, Dr. Nazir-Ali. The Church of God should have better things to do than put down a good bishop whose only crime was stating his opinion--and maybe telling the truth in the process.

Guest review 4 -- World in Conflict demo

World in Conflict (WIC) demo first impressions by Isaac Lu (meepokman)

This week, I will be ripping apart the World in Conflict demo, which my brother suggested I jump into for a while. I actually downloaded it quite some time back but never really talked about it to everyone else.

And for good reason.

Yes, yes, I know I promised a Crysis review but I wanted to do a truly fucked up game for once. Anyway, I have received some private feedback telling me that my reviews attacked the reader too much with my insults, therefore scaring away commentators (wimps). Therefore, I shall try to direct my full-blown hate towards the game development team instead of the reader.

Now, let’s chew up the game.

From what I have seen, WIC is a real time strategy (RTS) about some alternate history in which some evil bastard in the Commie Department of Idiocy has decided to invade the US in 1989 instead of ending the Cold War. The story follows some blank slate mute prick (which I hate in games) from the US Army who only stares blankly at everything as the story unfolds. “Everyone else” (i.e. those who speak and have some fucking use to the story) includes one coward, one mean commander and a black guy whose job is just to say crap from time to time.

The demo starts with the coward calling home—in a lazily made cinematic that only uses still concept art as images without even doing animations for shit—and getting scolded by his brother (who seems to be a Marine who has fought in Vietnam) for losing so many fights to defend the country. Something I can fully sympathize with in the shit that happens in battle later. The demo mission starts with a mission to re-capture a town from the Soviet commies (grr) who have taken it the night before. I got off to a flying start when I was tasked to kill a sniper and recapture the rest of the town single-handedly. The coward mentioned earlier is instantly in dire straits and needs me to bail him out.

To get the experience of the demo mission, throw somebody off the roof of a house, pick him up and help him back to the roof, then throw him off again and help him once more; repeat this about 5 times. Oh yes, this is the entire experience of the mission I was given.

After a brief attack on the town, it is just one fucking hold-the–line experience repeatedly with moments to help the fuck-wit that cannot seem to look after his own arse. After a series of fall backs due to some idiot (I don’t have to tell you who) despite me effectively holding against hordes of useless men Ivan throws at me, a Navy ship arrives and kills all the commies with its cannons. Right here the demo ends... Ok, now that I have talked about the shitty demo mission, let’s go to the (truly horrible) gameplay.

For all other RTSes, controlling the camera is as simple as using the arrow keys to move it around and the mouse serving the same function with edge-scrolling. Now Massive Entertainment, why do you have to cock up a perfect system with some new shit? In this game, the mouse rotates the camera on its axis instead of moving it around and W, A, S and D are used to move the camera like a shooter. This may seem good on paper but it serves no purpose at all. Many a time, I wanted to move to see an incoming commie attack only to find myself staring into the sky. By the time I angled the camera to where I wanted, Ivan had already moved out of artillery range. Speaking of which, support such as arty or bombing runs takes ages to come, leaving the commies with enough time to bugger out. Explain to me how the fuck high speed shells from a fucking cannon take 10-20 seconds just to travel and you can only give one set of co-ordinates that you wring your hands wishing could be updated... while enemies merrily waltz out of the teeny-weeny circle you’ve to wait long minutes to re-draw. Also, air support which you task to take out enemy helicopters only will engage targets within a tiny radius of where you click, completely ignoring further threats in the vicinity. It also does not help that they take 30 FUCKING seconds just to come.

OK, the only good thing I can see is the story, which in itself is killed by the mute protagonist. Still, it has an 8.7 out of 10 on http://www.gamestats.com/ and plenty of reviewers I read threw perfect scores at it. Maybe after this shitty part, the game is a diamond in a sea of vomit but the whole purpose of a demo is to make me buy the full version.

And it that respect... it sucks.

To sum up, I can tell World in Conflict just plain sucks from the demo, throwing away all the innovations of better RTSes like Company of Heroes. Save your money—don’t buy this game. The Gold Edition of Company of Heroes is out in stores, featuring two fantastic RTSes for the SAME PRICE as WIC. Use your money for that instead.

No H.O.N.O.U.R. ratings this week, (http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2007/12/oms-and-airborne.html at the bottom of the post) as this is a first impressions rather than a full review.

Still, I would rate it 2.0 out of 10, with its only merits being its great voice acting and story. Don’t play this game.

Credits:

Review by: Isaac Lu

Imaginary background music: Isaac Lu

Idea for reviews: Isaac Lu and Lu Zheng Ping

Gracefully hosted by: Lu Zheng Ping

H.O.N.O.U.R. system by: Lu Zheng Ping

Excess shit on in the review cleaned up by: Lu Zheng Ping

Tell me that WIC is the best game of the year and I deserve to die at: isaacluzr@gmail.com

Ok, I will try the nice approach now: Please fill up the comments page or e-mail me what you think, I would really appreciate it.

Lastly, I endorse John McCain for president.

http://johnmccain.com/

"I tawt I taw a weligion of peace!"

Who appoints these guys anyway? First Abdul Rahman, now this guy.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,324666,00.html

The Taliban were a cakewalk to throw out compared to the mindset they used. What next? Heck, I read anti-Christian material all the time, but no prophet or apostle insinuated I should be put to death.

Seriously, Afghans, lighten up. No one can deny you've got a working airport, banks, a highway and girls' education. That's great. But this poor fellow's been jailed since October!

I won't repeat what Jesus had to say about some very similar religious authorities... but this has to stop. It's just wrong on so many counts.

Sums quite a bit up

I never loved the soldier till there was a war

Or thought about tomorrow till my baby hit the floor

I only talk to God when somebody's about to die

I never cherished freedom

Freedom never cries...

-- Five for Fighting, Freedom Never Cries

Psalm 23 for our times

Because the Lord cares, as warriors should when made in His image.

http://www.onemarinesview.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/2007/11/26/shepherd_3.jpg

Guest review 3: one a week it seems

I know this seems to be happening a lot lately, but for my bro and I "accuracy" in game reviews has come to mean "agreement with us". That said, the most accurate review is one you write yourself ;)

Assuming you're diligent enough to do it at a length that does the game justice. These are our attempts at The Most Accurate Game Reviews You Will Ever Read. <grin>

-- ZP

Isaac Lu (meepokman) reviews Gears of War (for Windows!!!)

To start off, I want you to know that this review will be slightly less hateful than the others, seeing as how much I like the game for being not only a PC exclusive but also such a good one. What with all those poor Xbox 360 players having soooo much trouble with the game whether with lousy graphics or worse accuracy. (If you own a console, please accept my sympathies).

Ok, let’s go down to tearing the game up. Gears of War, which is mostly just a gore fest featuring a group of tough looking manly men who have bigger muscles than all the actors in 300 combined and probably have taken more steroids each than the entire USSR Olympic team in the 1980s.

From what I was able to deduce from the game’s story, a human-controlled planet has been taken over by some mean, evil looking aliens who seem more interested in putting on disgusting make-up and making funny noises than actually killing stuff (which they do with supreme ease). Said aliens are well…… killing stuff, what did you expect?

You can see the game is not too big on story. It has you killing hordes of them with all kinds of cool weapons and eventually ending with a climatic showdown with a real ugly bastard who has fucked up his face over with too much plastic surgery and you activating a bomb that kills all the other bastards in the same way the Yanks tore up Al-Qaeda underground.

Now, let’s get to work on the game itself. First the good. This game is one of the best games ever made with easy controls, great graphics and LOTS OF GORE!! All the weapons are great in their own ways and makes up for the linearity of the story with many ways to play through it. Voice acting is also top notch with each character speaking naturally and with his own style. Characters are also very well drawn with each having their own unique personalities and lines. The best weapon is the “chainsaw bayonet”. Just power it up and step close to the bastard. It fucks over his whole body and leaves him (I’m sure in most cases it’s a him) crumbling in a pile of bloody pieces. It is THE most satisfying weapon of any game I've played before or since. A big bonus: this is one game that appreciates the value of a good shotgun.

Overall, Gears is a giant leap for games to follow in terms of weapons and voice acting. It also does away with the mute protagonist that I have ranted about endlessly in my previous reviews.

Still, for such a good game, some parts are still fucked up. The combat is laborious and every enemy takes about a million bullets just to kill. Also, with beautiful graphics comes arse-rape of computer systems. Even though I played it on medium graphics and sound with my super powerful gaming computer, it stilled chugged along and I had to give it encouragement, the way a mother coos her kid to walk before it would work. Also, the story lets us down with a lousy cliff hanger ending at the end. Animations could be a little more varied though, with the main character always doing the same FUCKING animation whenever he opens a door. Lastly, THE FUCKERS REMOVED SPLIT SCREEN CO-OP FROM THE PC VERSION. I enjoyed it so much with Kane & Lynch as you may have read in my earlier review but now these pricks have taken it away. What the fuck do I have a 22-inch screen for?

To sum it up, this is a great game that is well worth the $53 I paid for it. It’s creatively thought out and fun to play, unlike say, Bioshock or Call of Duty 4 that feel like a second job. Give it a chance—play it through and you will find it is well worth saving up to buy.

Now... the H.O.N.O.U.R. system. (http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2007/12/oms-and-airborne.html at the bottom of the post).

H – Honesty

8/10, it falls short due to the lack of design for the enemies but I forgive that and give it an 8 due to the great character choices. The simple story works to its advantage with a easy to follow plot.

O – Originality

8/10, cool cover system gives the game its merits. Still, the story needs some work—which is a shame given the richness of the world Epic Games has created.

N – N-joyment

9/10, it is fun for almost the whole game but some parts are overly difficult and tedious. Combat is intense but not unrealistically difficult.

O – Overhype

10/10, nothing to complain about. Fuck off if you were looking for faults in this one.

U – User-friendliness

7/10. Great controls but IT REMOVES SPLIT SCREEN CO-OP. THAT JUST CANNOT BE FORGIVEN. Lousy Games for Windows Live also ruins the multi-player which I may have considered for a while.

R – Revisitability

8/10. Hard to get bored from playing this again and again but it may happen after some time.

Overall rating: 9/10. If you are short on money but want a game, I would recommend saving up and buying this one. It is a much better investment than the Xbox 360 version which I have also played. Still, if you are really short on money, I would recommend Kane & Lynch: Dead Men over it, or if you have a buddy at home who wants to play at the same time.

Credits:

Review by: Isaac Lu

Imaginary background music: Isaac Lu

Idea for reviews: Isaac Lu and Lu Zheng Ping

Gracefully hosted by: Lu Zheng Ping

H.O.N.O.U.R. system by: Lu Zheng Ping

Whipped brutally and edited by: Lu Zheng Ping

Ask me how I feel about writing shit like this when my ‘O’ level results are just days away at: isaacluzr@gmail.com

Now, I just need a favour… FILL UP THE COMMENTS PAGE YOU LAZY LOT!! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK BEFORE I IMPROVE!!

Wi-Fi on 96, studies and being 22

I'll be 22 in a few days. Go me, if anyone actually cares apart from my family (thanks!) and Pizza Hut thanks to the 40 bucks my mom gave them. The pizzas they handed us in return weren't too bad, if a trifle small and salty.

I kept wondering why anyone would want to use the free Nokia-provided Wi-Fi service on bus no. 96--hell, journeys are over even before you can pull your laptop or smartphone from your bag, power it on and access your first website, jousting with every other user on the island as you do so. Much the only paying you do is for the journey itself, which doesn't mean very much if you wind up missing your stop.

I don't know how much I'll be able to update seeing the term is opening and few PC games I'm willing to blow $60 on will be coming out. We'll see.

Oh, and look for another blog yours truly will be managing--the focus of most of my effort from here on out, all going well. More soon, and God bless--I have a feeling we're all going to need it.

Guest review 2: because I'm tired

Isaac Lu (meepokman) reviews Kane & Lynch: Dead Men

Ok, for those people who liked my first review, I will try to stick as close to it as I can. With nobody giving a fuck about feedback, I’ll assume it is perfect, unless somebody has the balls to tell me what I did wrong before.

Right, Kane & Lynch: Dead Men. The game is about two mean-looking dudes who spit “fuck you” every three words. We are told Kane used to work for a bunch of mercenaries who, after failing their job, lost all their loot but Kane fled with it, thinking all the rest were dead. The game goes on to show Kane rescued from execution, after which he is forced (with the lives of his wife and daughter) to get back the money for them. Lynch is then introduced as a kind of watchdog to keep an eye on him.

The plot goes on to a cocked-up attempt to get the money. Evil bastards then kill Kane’s wife somewhere in the middle of the game and but fail to get his daughter. He then goes on a rampage—where killing everything in Kane’s path and getting back at even more bastards is the new name of the game. Anyway, if you have bothered to check the game website, you will know that there is no happy ending to the game, only a bad or worse one, depending on the kind of dick-head you decide to be.

Good, let’s move on the gameplay. It is a third person shooter with few camera problems, which is more than can be said about a lot of shit in the market now. The story is also one of the best, despite how I described it at the start, mainly because of laziness. The story does not have any inconsistencies with most of the events being well explained. The controls are natural for the most part and easy to pick up. Don’t listen to bastards like Jeff Gerstmann from Gamespot who fling his shit like a hyperactive Democrat at the game. He is lying at every turn and having played a lot of games he has reviewed myself, I can safely say he is a chimp who needs to be whipped into shape.

Alright, back on topic. The game at least has a conclusive ending not like some other shitty games who want to milk their intellectual property for all it is worth (see Crysis or Halo 3). Anyway, the story and mechanics are much better than say, Call of Duty 4, which I love to fling shit at for some reason. Kane & Lynch does away with the mute protagonist that seems to be a plague on most games now. THIS GAME ALSO HAS SPLIT SCREEN CO-OP FOR THE PC!!! ONE OF THE BEST INNOVATIONS OF ALL TIME!!

Still, for every game, fucked-upness is still present. In Kane & Lynch, AI can be obviously retarded at some points, with the ability to not kill the bastards even if the enemy is within a few meters. The graphics also suck a big fat dick. I thought that with the release of games like Unreal Tournament 3 or Crysis, you would know that large, open environments can be rendered with good graphics. Now, if you think my swearing is bad, in the game every string of dialogue seems to have a kind of vulgarity quota, where at least 3 or more “fuck you” s have to be said. Also, somewhere near the end, the difficulty jumps up and bites you in the balls. It just becomes brutal after a fair game till now. BRUTAL.

Still, I like Kane & Lynch. At least it is unique and is willing to try something different with games all seeming to be clones of each other. Despite all the shit I thrown at it, the game is also one of the best this year, well worth the $60 I had to vomit up at the store counter (along with the discount I got for using cold, hard CASH). Now, with the special edition out in the shops for the same price, there is no excuse not to buy it.

Try saving your money for something useful for a chance. Many people have given it a bad name as it is.

Now... time for the long awaited H.O.N.O.U.R. system. (http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2007/12/oms-and-airborne.html at the bottom of the post)

H – Honesty

For this game, it scores a perfect 10 with no cheats in the story, along with believable characters. This is not some “perfect guy” kind of shit.

O – Originality

This game gets a 8/10 with its unique story, paired up with cool level design. While not exactly new ground, it still does the job well.

N – N-joyment

This game gets a 9/10. Yes, 9/10, you got a problem with that you Call of Duty fan boy? This game is fun, although occasionally broken up by brutal difficulty and less than average AI. Not like COD4 where most of the fun parts are short. The whole game in this case is a fun ride. That is what games are meant to be.

O – Overhype

9/10 again. The main reason why it does not score a 10 is because of the devs saying the AI will be good but it turned out to not be the case. Still, it is forgivable, seeing how good the game turned out to be.

U – User-friendliness

9/10 for this, it avoids a 10 due to REALLY BAD multi-player support. Still, it earns the 9 points as it gives split-screen co-op for the PC (which I hope more games do in the future). I don’t give a fuck about online multi-player for most games anyway, so I don’t think the bad support matters.

R – Revisitability

10/10. This game has amazing amounts of replayability, and with split-screen co-op, you can play it again and again!! Alone or with your buddy next to you, being able to divide your roles with each other.

Overall rating:

9.0/10 (not an average) one of the best games of the year and well worth its cost. Your computer does not even have to be good to play it well. The effects are great and the game is fun.

Credits:

Review by: Isaac Lu

Imaginary background music: Isaac Lu

Idea for reviews: Isaac Lu and Lu Zheng Ping

Gracefully hosted by: Lu Zheng Ping

H.O.N.O.U.R. system by: Lu Zheng Ping

Sanitized for foul language by: Lu Zheng Ping

Ask me when I will stop dicking about and review Crysis at: isaacluzr@gmail.com

Tell me what you think by e-mail or fill up the comments page, otherwise… let’s just say it won’t be pleasant.

**** you, Crytek

Really.

It's not that your latest game, Crysis has screwed with my computer. It's not even that it lies--the game tells us it can run optimally on Very High and patch 1.1 fixes things so owners can now shoot stuff into the Chinese sunset.

No, it's that you've actually made money off me without deserving it. I've no idea how much work went into making photo-realistic graphics and open-ended gameplay and heroes in nanosuits, and how can I if the game keeps bloody crashing after 15 minutes?

The "****" here can be substituted for any degree of vehemence or, if the problem is somehow fixed, love. It's Crytek's choice, and since they already have my money...

Good thing I didn't resolve not to get pissed with game manufacturers. Because I'd have broken it long ago.

The "Iron" Will

Resolutions. You think them up and lock on them with your iron will only to find out iron by itself is so weak you need little carbon bits to keep it from melting all over itself when the heat really turns up.

So here's my resolution list, put up here and now for the sole reason I'll be too busy to do much of anything when the gates of Hell (sorry, the school term) open once again.

(Right now I'm too uninspired to do much of anything anyway. Very little difference there.)

Without further ado...

I resolve to spend less money on food. I did a little math, and found I tip the carbohydrate, fat and protein equivalent of ten Singapore dollars every day down my greedy little throat. Then I whine my pocket money isn't enough to last me a week into the month it's supposed to last... then buy a computer game to get my mind off it. Ptooi.

I resolve to pass my driving test. Lord, it's all very well You stay with and strengthen Your servants. I ask You do it BEFORE my ability to drive (present, thanks very much) is tested, not after.

I resolve to stick to my prayer list. I wrote it down. Somewhere.

IRT write more. Even when the output amounts to less than a page and stinks so bad it wouldn't even be used as bin liner in a third-rate publishing house, and my characters have less knowledge what to do in their given situations than a pig in the slaughterhouse. (At least the pigs know to make a run for it.)

IRT study harder. Wait, it needs a little more detail.

IRT get A's for Programming, Maths and Critical Thinking & Writing. All test results will be told to a confidential third party and prayed over. Because praying for myself doesn't seem to work.

IRT get B's for Physics and Materials. Concept maps and Key Equations can only help. I will do them in between kicking myself for not doing it last semester.

IRT stop blaming God for shit that happens. Granted, I'm more than a little pissed at the way things are now. I mean, some trouble's caused by Satan and there's no shortage of blame on him. And not to mention my own little screwups are piddling little drops compared to the oceans of others' sufferings God isn't relieving YET. Like Andy's, for instance. Keep fighting, brother.

 

So that's it, my goals for 2008 in a nutshell. Now excuse me while I write my own version of Lamentations, and weep I can't do it as well as the prophet Jeremiah. Maybe it's because he really did have something to cry over.

Verse of the screwed-up life... Job 13:15

Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.
-- Job 13:15

My paraphrase:

Though he climb up on a heavenly bell-tower and pull out his honking BIG sniper rifle, train it on me among all other targets and aim not at my head or chest (which will kill me instantly) but instead at my stomach so the round will cause my intestines to rupture and burst, then compensate for wind, gravity and the Coriolis effect and finally pull the damned trigger...

Yet will I trust him to put me back together. If he desires. Unless his servants identify ways I can rectify my driving test and uni modules, I am doomed to continue in my own way before the administration.

 

Yes, I am taking it way, way out of context. I KNOW.

Guest review

Isaac Lu (meepokman) reviews Blacksite: Area 51.

This is my first review of a game so please don’t be a dick and spout rubbish about how “an experienced gamer should know better” because this review is my own opinion and if you don’t like free speech go to the nearest Hillary Clinton/Democrat supporter and give him or her a nice big hug.

Ok, Blacksite then, ignoring the horrible title that sounds like a kinder way of saying arse, is about a group of US Army special forces dicks who seem to fit the stereotype tough guy that the Yanks love in action games and movies. They are sent to find WMDs in an Iraqi bunker in 2004, in a prologue mission that is frankly better exposition than most of the other shitty games out there (like hmm... Call of Duty 4, or BioShock?). They soon discover that instead of nukes or some typical evil madman’s toys, they find bio-weapons used to mutate people and summon monsters. Here’s where the game raises a feature uglier and more persistent than any level boss—your medic does what she was ordered to do, then she leaves one of your guys to die. This is where a bad point of the game shows up. What is this love affair that designers seem to have with mute protagonists? Just yelling at the bitch or having the balls to raise your fucking gun would have done the job of keeping him alive.

After that, the story goes on to Nevada in the present, where a so-called uprising has happened but, if you took the trouble to read the back of the game box and have an IQ above 70, you should understand that it is the aliens and mutated soldiers. It is all too obvious that the game is a bizarre cross between the 1997 shooter Half-Life and the 1992 movie Universal Soldier where in the titular Area 51, dick-heads down in the US Army want to make super soldiers out of dead troops. The story goes on and eventually ends with a canned showdown between you and the villain (who turns out to be your guy who was “killed” in Iraq). Right over there the story ends and you have to spend your time reading hidden “dossiers” left behind by some other dick-heads to understand anything else. The story is rather badly told, using the same hero-finds-diaries system in BioShock that has proven to be shit but is still in use for some reason.

Enough about the story; let’s talk about the game and how it works. In my opinion, this game is one of the best of the year, despite the horrible lack of polish and the producers fucking about with the dev team (in creative director Harvey Smith’s own words) and not letting them do their job.

First, the good points. Squad tactics are very well done with great NPC intelligence and easy to use squad controls. Graphics are decent although in the post-Crysis age they are by no means great. The single player campaign is fun to play through and is of a good length, seeing how games now are obsessed with making brutally short single player games. The physics in the game is also the best I have seen with environments getting shredded up by bullets like in John Woo Presents Stranglehold. This game is a real fun ride while it lasts, and is well worth paying S$55 for. And the historical accuracy in the Iraq levels where location and other US ground forces are accurately mentioned by name is just icing on the cake. The devs did their homework here; I wish it was extended to the rest of the game.

Now let’s go on the fucked up bits. The game was released in a far from complete state, and lacks essential elements such as animations for characters getting into a vehicle which they just appear in. The game sometimes also lags for no apparent reason on my gaming system which can run most games of the same graphics without a problem. Lastly, weapons and equipment are a little off somewhat—every fuckwit seems to have a advanced sight attached to his gun when such things so expensive, soldiers can only get them by buying them online. In this game, they are standard issue. We know you play as a Special Forces operative, but the sights can’t be THAT popular. AlienWare computers also litter the place when in real life, the US Army uses Dell laptops instead.

Wrapping up, Blacksite is a good game on the whole, the characters and story premise are well-written and in most ways it is better than the more expensive Call of Duty 4. All that is bad in the game can be fixed by just a little more time in development, in which case, a massive patch (which I hope you guys are working on) will make this game better than Crysis and other Game of the Year awardees.

So Midway games, please listen to me for this idea instead of paying some guy thousands to tell you what you can find online for free. All your game design ideas are good, even a fucked up project like Hour of Victory. Which of course shows that you have at least some brains in the creative direction but unfortunately, your producers are pricks who force unreasonable deadlines. So, that being said, jump off the silent hero bandwagon and give them some character and voice, along with giving your dev team a few more months. You have the potential to be better than EA Games (Airborne) or Activision of Call of Duty fame. Why not use it?

Still, I don’t think anybody in Midway will chance upon this suggestion, so anybody out there, please try to forward this review to people you know even if you are not interested in games so please don’t be selfish and help games grow a little.

Lastly, here is a breakdown of the game score using my brother’s “H.O.N.O.U.R.” system.

H – Honesty

For this category, Blacksite scores a 6.5 out of 10, mainly because of badly told story and lack of a speaking hero, but its merits are that the story is fun to play through. Unlike Call of Duty 4, where I am constantly picking out areas of shitty realism.
O – Originality

As for this one, the game can safely score an 8 out of 10 due to its willingness to step away from uncontrollable teammates and actually pulling it off. Still, it falls short from a blank slate hero.

N – N-joyment

It scores a solid 9 out of 10 for this one, with great AI and easy to use squads and weapons with meaty sounds. Still, more time could have been put into making the game less laggy.

O – Overhype

Blacksite gets a 8 out of 10 for this because they delivered what they promised—Medal of Honor: Airborne, anyone? Cool squads, great environments, they are there. It's just that more time could be spent on making the game.

U – User-friendliness

8/10 for this, falling short of a full score due to its use of 2 DVDs and having to download 2 big patches before having a fun time. Still, the controls are good and it is fun, unlike other squad shooters like Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter, which needs the limb count of an octopus and the patience of Job to play.

R – Revisitability

7/10, good replay value for some parts. Killing hadjis in Iraq never gets old.

 

Overall rating: 8.0 out of 10 (not an average). Give the game a chance, have some faith in Midway productions and forward this review to your friends if you like it.

 

Credits:

Review by: Isaac Lu

Imaginary background music: Isaac Lu

Idea for reviews: Isaac Lu and Lu Zheng Ping

Gracefully hosted by: Lu Zheng Ping

H.O.N.O.U.R. system by: Lu Zheng Ping

Yell stupid anti-Bush slogans and complain about eyestrain from the long review at:

isaacluzr@gmail.com

Cognitive Organisation Disorder (there's a game review in here somewhere)

TRACKING…

The Middle East*

Central University**

Professor Martin J. Krappenharm

Guest Speaker, Faculty of Medicine

Day 11

09:34:41

SEARCHING… LOCATED

*Our colleagues tracking the central Russian mountains and former Soviet republics of East Asia have grasped the world concept of a “country”. As we are unable to fathom why they would want to do so, we have released an example of our own efforts on the information network known on Earth as “the Internet”. Access this page for an upload of our analysis.

** See above.

Subject is mounting a lectern. Request temporary suspension of mutism onset.

GRANTED.

Status of nanite application: DELAYED

Listening devices active.

Good morning, friends, colleagues, and students. I understand most of you are more here for extra credit than to truly examine the reasons behind the coincidental nuclear missile tests in Central Russia and the detonation of a similar weapon in the capital city of the Middle East—pardon my pitiful grasp of geography—but allow me to remind you of the medical significance of such a disaster. Never in my entire life have I been privileged to examine several very odd specimens of humanity, if we can call them that.

Let’s begin. My first examination came shortly after NEST teams declared the area in and around said city safe to enter if you were wearing a full radiation suit, a ton of gear, and a Geiger counter that distracts you by screaming in your ear whenever you approach anything important.

Ahem.

My team was assigned the crash site of a United States Marine Corps CH-46 Sea Knight helicopter, lost with all hands—several corpses were located in the vicinity, including one particularly interesting specimen I must share with you when I’ve calmed down enough to proceed further. This subject apparently survived the initial crash but succumbed to a broken leg and enough radiation to wake Godzilla were he brave enough to face a bunch of fanatical jiha… um, I mean freedom fighters.

His name, I found through his nametag and the timely released of heretofore top secret Marine records (don’t ask me how), was Sergeant Paul Jackson, hereafter referred to as “Subject X” for all the personality he supposedly had in life. In an extremely strange case, recorded in only a handful of individuals (all of whom served in World War II in different armies, no less) he did not possess a throat, rendering him incapable of speech. How a USMC sergeant can get by without issuing a single command is something I will leave to higher authority than myself—troops who knew him had very little to say, good or bad. Indeed, if he at any point commanded a fireteam we have yet to hear from them. In the place of X’s throat was a radio receiver, which fittingly could not send messages. Marine corpsmen I spoke to were likewise baffled, and I let one of them put his condition, and his complete lack of any discernable personality, down to pre-natal radiative mutation in the absence of any better explanation.

(My own report on X’s psychic link has been postponed till I can arrange an appointment with the reclusive yogis of Mount Fippsgame Temple, India, who assure me total bodily control by beings beyond time and space is not only possible, but frequent.)

Further anomalies were observed, for which the only known cases also date from WW2. X’s ability to heal from wounds is a common syndrome nowadays, from data only recently made public. I invite you to turn to your files from the anti-terrorist op in Las Vegas a few weeks ago, which apparently was the work of three individual troops with this automatic healing ability clearing the entire city of an army’s worth of shooters. I hope the condition does not spread further, or our line of work is in serious trouble.

X’s remains pose interesting questions—the aforesaid ability does not include damage due to broken bones or radiation, and too much damage too soon has been known to cause death as well. Where does this selectiveness come from? If any of you have theories or ideas—no gods or aliens or whatnot, please—see me after the lecture.

All I have described is from a professional standpoint. Personally I have many doubts about the professionalism of the USMC, particularly the 1^st Force Recon Battalion, with whom X served. In an astonishing oversight which has never been recorded before or since, no radiation-protection suits were used despite ready availability and ample warning of a nuclear threat in the city. Were he in a standard issue MOPP-4 anti-radiation suit, it would probably be Sergeant Paul Jackson himself addressing you today, had he vocal chords to speak with.

The military-minded will note that his platoon leader, one Lieutenant Vasquez, believed himself divinely-protected and invulnerable, and repeatedly showed evidence of a suicidal death wish for both himself and his men. This was indicated by his failure to assign corpsmen to the unit, and drilling it in tactics that amounted to variations of rushing enemy strongholds head-on.

One of Jackson’s last acts, on the authority of one Staff Sergeant Griggs (USMC, KIA) was rescuing the pilot of a downed AH-1 helicopter gunship only to be caught in the ensuing nuclear blast. “Realism”, some may call it, as if this debacle were taking place in a computer game; I call it “bad storytelling”. A completely useless action by the hero (which X appears to be) would be unacceptable to my publishers, who dabble in fiction. Any writers in the audience? They are accepting submissions. From one client to another, do NOT write like this.

Back on point, X’s physical anomalies are also present in another subject extracted from Central Russia. (For the record, this man had an additional ability to manipulate computer keyboards without touching them. I will bring this matter up with the sages of Mount Fippsgame, who admit this anomaly is extremely rare.) He may have personally killed Ultranationalist Party leader Imran Zakhaev, but in the absence of his speech I was told through my sources that he is a Special Forces trooper named “Soap” MacTavish. He will be kept for further study, and is being probed as we speak by colleagues.

No, there is no pun intended. You with the AK on the side of the hall, put it down.

I cannot conclude without noting a connected issue a colleague brought to my attention. Namely, the lineage of MacTavish’s commanding officer, one Captain Price (first name withheld). It appears a figure bearing the same last name and looking exactly like Price today was recorded as having served with the Royal Air Force, the SAS and the 7^th Armoured Division simultaneously… a time-travel paradox only the sages may hold the answers to, or hitherto unknown advances in longevity science.

Doubtless the chain of events had many preventable lapses, and we may never know the truth behind the missile tests. It is my prayer the next time this occurs, which it seems to with alarming frequency, the game avatars of the United States Marine Corps invest in better care for their troops… and not promote a mutism-afflicted individual to the rank of Sergeant. And it is my sad duty to recommend a name for the affliction. I propose COD, Cognitive Organisation Disorder, which I am very sure one of you will take to stand for Call of Duty.

That is all. You’ve been a great audi… hey, what—

We regret to inform all in attendance that Prof. Krappenharm has been taken ill, suffering from the same symptoms he identified in his speech. A radio transmitter-receiver was found lodged in his throat (which was decomposing at an alarming rate), beaming his location to a point in orbit, monitored by unknown parties believed to have been tracking the Subjects he indicated. Especially alarming is the discovery of these symptoms in the late former Middle Eastern President Al-Fulani, just prior to his execution.

In other news…

TRACKING…

The Middle East

Central University

Professor Martin J. Krappenharm

Guest Speaker, Faculty of Medicine

Day 11

09:40:02*

SEARCHING… LOCATED

STATUS: CONTROLLED

*WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING COUNTING SECONDS WHEN WE HAVE THE POWER TO TRACK AND POSSESS ANY MEMBER OF ANY MILITARY ON THE PLANET???**

** REPLY FROM COMMAND: SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO WORK --- ARCHIVE THIS CONVERSATION? (Y/N)

Hi, I’m back. Ratings time:

H – Lousy Marine tactics. No corpsmen. No MOPP-4s. Too much technical research that could have gone into giving the protoganists names, faces and more importantly… voices. But there is decent storytelling, only the graphics engine is wasted on it. (5/10)

O – I think Tom Clancy did it already. Except the nuking-the-Marines part, which is just, in my opinion, stupid. (3/10)

N – Fun, fun, fun. While it lasts and you turn your ears off the “story integrity” frequency, and kindly ignore the AI when it gets you killed over and over. (7/10)

O – (Activate extra-childish voice) I wanted wanted wanted it to be better! You said it would be better! (pouts) (4/10)

(re-activate normal voice)

U – Profile system good. Auto-save system bad. Arcade mode… must be seen to be believed. Not in a good way. Seems they cancel each other out, a 5/10 in my book.

R – Seeing as we paid S$57 for it, and it’s longer than MoH: Airborne… (9/10)

FINAL SCORE: 7.0/10. Not good, not bad. But fun.

Resolutions, Legend and Chinglish printing

I haven’t been hearing much about New Year resolutions, maybe because they’ll all have been forgotten by the time, say, February comes round? Hey, St. James, I know something even more like a dewy vapour that appears and vanishes away; a pronouncement that “I will study harder” or “I will pass my Chinese” or “I will lose weight this year”.

No offense intended to those who don’t study hard or stink at Chinese language (I plead guilty on these two counts) or those who really do try to keep the kilos off. I know the frustration myself, but in not letting it bother me I have a problem with forgetting about why I was trying to learn or lose weight myself.

(And I was going to say ‘pounds’ till I realized my studies always make me work in SI units.)

Which is why Orson Scott Card does such a great job of identifying what makes a resolution. Read it, resolve and stay that way—and then you realize it goes beyond the “resolution” stage and becomes a decision that changes your life. And come to think of it, it may not even take a year. I printed his advice (Unfriendly!) and recommend anyone reading it to do the same. I don’t know if it’s life-changing stuff yet. But it’s how we respond to such advice that makes it so.

My own resolutions are still to come, but write them out and go to friends and family I care about I will. Believe me when I say they WILL be about my studies, as they should. My first semester bombed, and I have no desire to be mindf***ed again.

Maybe I’ll start with improving my writing so I’ll have no need to resort to such language like in the last sentence? Sheesh!

But that still doesn’t change the fact I’m a sinner in need of God’s grace, and the first step will be to figure out, and ask Him to reveal, wherever in my life that may be. My grades are crap, my running sucks, and let’s not even go into my writing discipline. OK, those are good places to start.

* * *

And a blessed New Year to one and all. If I can help make it so, even better—but if not may the prayers of the Lord’s children go with you. And God on your side is a greater thing than any man against you.

(Of course, people for you is a one heck of a blessing <wink>)

Because the New Year is either another notch on the calendar, a fresh start to things, a time to look back and forward or just to party. It’s what we do that makes the turn of the New Year anything else.

For school starts again in another week. Oh Lord, help…

* * *

I saw Will Smith’s new movie I Am Legend yesterday, and I’m happy—yes, happy—to report Matheson’s novel has been changed beyond recognition. In fact, the new editions that came out with Smith’s and his dog’s photo on the cover are somewhat misleading—that cover belongs on a novelization of the movie, not the source material itself. What were Warner’s publishing arm thinking? I mean, no one would dream of re-releasing the original System Shock 2 with Bioshock’s cover art splashed over the box: NOW A MAJOR 2007 FIRST PERSON SHOOTER! in huge letters over the top. With that little quibble out of the way (Matheson was never good at getting his characters out of hock anyway, leaving Warner Bros. to do it for him), let’s get to my experience of the movie proper.

Yes, I Am Legend is a good show, and I’m the better for having watched it. No, it’s misleading to tie it to the original Matheson novel apart from the borrowing of the basic premise and the name of the lead character. But in this case not having read the novel kept its voice from whispering in my head throughout the entire film—I may pick it up soon, once my mom lets me buy bits of dead trees with words printed on them again.

Of course, if anyone can play the last surviving human in New York City (with everyone else killed or zombified by a mutant virus originally designed to cure cancer) and do it well it’s got to be Smith and his sadly underbilled writers.

(Face it, screenwriting is largely anonymous—people remember movie posters and the name shown in big print right at the top, not the reams and reams of words at the bottom or in the credits.)

But here’s where they, and Smith, shine—scenes of him driving through the overgrown streets of NYC hunting deer and competing with lions for food, casually making use of beacons of familiarity in weird and crazy ways. He talks to department store mannequins and his dog, keeps assault rifles in his home, and plays golf on the deck of the USS Intrepid (he’s shown on the tail of its displayed SR-71 Blackbird spy plane). Priceless.

So as a character study, Smith’s Neville passes with flying colours. Go watch it, deal with the questions it raises. As a bioengineer-in-training, the virus explanation kind of hit pretty close to home, since I get the feeling one of my experiments in the future will turn out that way. Maybe it won’t wipe out 5.4 billion people—at most it’ll give my trial victims a nasty rash and the ability to spread rabies without actually suffering the symptoms themselves.

Ahem. Anyway the film scores with viewer identification; we know Smith’s Robert Neville; I mean, Lieutenant Colonel (Dr.) Robert Neville is smart—he’s a US Army virologist, for heaven’s sake—and yet the actual virology work takes very little screen time and somehow manages to be the pivotal plot point it is. Instead we can laugh as he “loots” abandoned stores for CDs, pushes Bob Marley’s album “Legend” to another survivor, chats with the mannequins, and broadcasts for company. (“My name is Robert Neville… I can provide food. I can provide shelter. I can provide security… You are not alone.”)

And yes, contrary to what church friends told me, there is a happy ending. Happier than in the book. But like the rest of the film, it’s too smart to leave us with something too uplifting. No epiphanies, just an optimism Matheson was too dark to let us see in his original novel.

You‘ve been warned… but don’t let the lousy book-to-screen, third-time-unfaithful adaptation spoil it for you. Treat it as the whole new story and reimagining it is—after all, Warner Bros. has had the novel’s film rights for longer than most anyone I know’s been alive, and they’re not likely to expire anytime soon. So do me a favour. Pretend I Am Legend is a totally new title coincidentally related to a book published circa Long Long Ago, and go see it.

* * *

SPOILER ALERT:

Why doesn’t Neville sedate his dog Sam when she gets infected, instead of strangling her? I mean, after so much trouble keeping an already-infected woman alive so he can test a compound on her, the least he can do for his faithful companion is try and find some similar way to save her.

END OF SPOILERS

* * *

I’ve nothing against Blogger. In fact, I quite like the site and its user-friendliness, despite the fact I’m a total HTML illiterate and balk at changing the stupid code every time I edit the links (which up to now has numbered only once).

But I’m growing tired of the strain typing up my posts in Microsoft Word puts on my poor brain and fingers, largely due to the fact I’m comfortable with Word and Blogger isn’t. See those posts with nice, neat line spacing? Those are Blogger’s. Those with lines and formatting crammed tighter together than passengers on a Saturday afternoon MRT train are copied and pasted from Word. As if that lapse in formatting isn’t bad enough, they see fit to remove ALL the in-text formatting I’ve done.

Underlining vanishes. Bold does a bunk. Italics go MIA. And so when the finished post rushes out to an adoring public of maybe two or three people (myself included) it’s riddled with text I forgot to re-format and dividers I couldn’t centralize without EVERYTHING running to the centre as well (another problem for Blogger; PLEASE note there are paragraph divisions in copied text too). I mean, hasn’t anyone else ever tried the same thing and brought it to Blogger’s attention?

As I type this post in Word I dread doing the same drill for every paragraph and the same check for every word. So I’ll, in order:

1. Give Wordpress a check.

2. Give Windows Live Writer a check.

3. Forget I even wrote this and go back to moping about my studies.

I think I’ll move number 3 right up above 1, if you don’t mind.

* * *

"For your easiness and smoothness in operating your DIGITAL Mp3 PLAYER quickly, we provide the detailed manual for you so you can obtain the knowledge about our product and operation."

-- from (Some Brandless) MP3 Digital Player Operation Manual

From a label I saw in an IT store: SUPPER MINI KEYBOARD. It’s kind of hard to take seriously a device named after a late-night meal, so I think the first word was supposed to be “super”, but that’s China-made-and-printed electronics for you.

I can’t think of a nice, polite, tactful way to say BRUSH UP ON YOUR ENGLISH AND PRINT SOMETHING DECENT BEFORE I PUKE ALL OVER YOUR PRODUCTS YOU STUPID SHITS.

The worst part is when they come as “gifts”. Nothing against EmitAsia, the company that imports TIME magazine for Singaporean subscribers at very good prices, but the MP3 player they “gifted” me for my two-year subscription stank to high heaven. By the time I realized something was wrong (the introduction being in typical Chinglish electronic-speak) the control software had crashed my XP-running computer—apparently the stuff was so ancient it only worked with Windows 2000. Up to now I’ve no idea how to set track order or even what the joke of a software looks like, and I don’t much care.

Please, EmitAsia. If you want to reward paying subscribers, don’t do it with this piece of lowest bidder trash. My dad won a 1 GB iPod Nano that works way better and has a manual printed in a language easily recognisable as English.

BYEBYE, says the player screen when I turn it off. Yeah, well. Good riddance—only I actually paid for it.

(At least the other gift I got kind of makes up for it; Secrets of Greatness, a selection of CEOs’ and company presidents’ writings on leadership and what it takes to get to the top. It’s great reading, and a better reminder that the potential is there in all of us. I’ll say more when I’ve read it at least 5 more times.)

That said, I hate these cheap imitations that flood the market and chase away perfectly good brands that have much more right to be there for my choosing. I don’t mind paying more and rewarding a company that at least gets its packaging right. Once I bought the second cheapest USB hub—those devices that split a single USB port into four plug-points—and it broke down within the week. Took it back to the store, and they replaced it… only for the replacement to last a fortnight.

Take this, electronics stores—using Chinese imitations that so obviously stink is one thing. I don’t care how much you save bringing them in, but people (read “I”) will certainly stay far, far away from something introduced in such cringe-worthy language. You’ve been warned.