Guest review 2: because I'm tired

Isaac Lu (meepokman) reviews Kane & Lynch: Dead Men

Ok, for those people who liked my first review, I will try to stick as close to it as I can. With nobody giving a fuck about feedback, I’ll assume it is perfect, unless somebody has the balls to tell me what I did wrong before.

Right, Kane & Lynch: Dead Men. The game is about two mean-looking dudes who spit “fuck you” every three words. We are told Kane used to work for a bunch of mercenaries who, after failing their job, lost all their loot but Kane fled with it, thinking all the rest were dead. The game goes on to show Kane rescued from execution, after which he is forced (with the lives of his wife and daughter) to get back the money for them. Lynch is then introduced as a kind of watchdog to keep an eye on him.

The plot goes on to a cocked-up attempt to get the money. Evil bastards then kill Kane’s wife somewhere in the middle of the game and but fail to get his daughter. He then goes on a rampage—where killing everything in Kane’s path and getting back at even more bastards is the new name of the game. Anyway, if you have bothered to check the game website, you will know that there is no happy ending to the game, only a bad or worse one, depending on the kind of dick-head you decide to be.

Good, let’s move on the gameplay. It is a third person shooter with few camera problems, which is more than can be said about a lot of shit in the market now. The story is also one of the best, despite how I described it at the start, mainly because of laziness. The story does not have any inconsistencies with most of the events being well explained. The controls are natural for the most part and easy to pick up. Don’t listen to bastards like Jeff Gerstmann from Gamespot who fling his shit like a hyperactive Democrat at the game. He is lying at every turn and having played a lot of games he has reviewed myself, I can safely say he is a chimp who needs to be whipped into shape.

Alright, back on topic. The game at least has a conclusive ending not like some other shitty games who want to milk their intellectual property for all it is worth (see Crysis or Halo 3). Anyway, the story and mechanics are much better than say, Call of Duty 4, which I love to fling shit at for some reason. Kane & Lynch does away with the mute protagonist that seems to be a plague on most games now. THIS GAME ALSO HAS SPLIT SCREEN CO-OP FOR THE PC!!! ONE OF THE BEST INNOVATIONS OF ALL TIME!!

Still, for every game, fucked-upness is still present. In Kane & Lynch, AI can be obviously retarded at some points, with the ability to not kill the bastards even if the enemy is within a few meters. The graphics also suck a big fat dick. I thought that with the release of games like Unreal Tournament 3 or Crysis, you would know that large, open environments can be rendered with good graphics. Now, if you think my swearing is bad, in the game every string of dialogue seems to have a kind of vulgarity quota, where at least 3 or more “fuck you” s have to be said. Also, somewhere near the end, the difficulty jumps up and bites you in the balls. It just becomes brutal after a fair game till now. BRUTAL.

Still, I like Kane & Lynch. At least it is unique and is willing to try something different with games all seeming to be clones of each other. Despite all the shit I thrown at it, the game is also one of the best this year, well worth the $60 I had to vomit up at the store counter (along with the discount I got for using cold, hard CASH). Now, with the special edition out in the shops for the same price, there is no excuse not to buy it.

Try saving your money for something useful for a chance. Many people have given it a bad name as it is.

Now... time for the long awaited H.O.N.O.U.R. system. (http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2007/12/oms-and-airborne.html at the bottom of the post)

H – Honesty

For this game, it scores a perfect 10 with no cheats in the story, along with believable characters. This is not some “perfect guy” kind of shit.

O – Originality

This game gets a 8/10 with its unique story, paired up with cool level design. While not exactly new ground, it still does the job well.

N – N-joyment

This game gets a 9/10. Yes, 9/10, you got a problem with that you Call of Duty fan boy? This game is fun, although occasionally broken up by brutal difficulty and less than average AI. Not like COD4 where most of the fun parts are short. The whole game in this case is a fun ride. That is what games are meant to be.

O – Overhype

9/10 again. The main reason why it does not score a 10 is because of the devs saying the AI will be good but it turned out to not be the case. Still, it is forgivable, seeing how good the game turned out to be.

U – User-friendliness

9/10 for this, it avoids a 10 due to REALLY BAD multi-player support. Still, it earns the 9 points as it gives split-screen co-op for the PC (which I hope more games do in the future). I don’t give a fuck about online multi-player for most games anyway, so I don’t think the bad support matters.

R – Revisitability

10/10. This game has amazing amounts of replayability, and with split-screen co-op, you can play it again and again!! Alone or with your buddy next to you, being able to divide your roles with each other.

Overall rating:

9.0/10 (not an average) one of the best games of the year and well worth its cost. Your computer does not even have to be good to play it well. The effects are great and the game is fun.

Credits:

Review by: Isaac Lu

Imaginary background music: Isaac Lu

Idea for reviews: Isaac Lu and Lu Zheng Ping

Gracefully hosted by: Lu Zheng Ping

H.O.N.O.U.R. system by: Lu Zheng Ping

Sanitized for foul language by: Lu Zheng Ping

Ask me when I will stop dicking about and review Crysis at: isaacluzr@gmail.com

Tell me what you think by e-mail or fill up the comments page, otherwise… let’s just say it won’t be pleasant.