I know this seems to be happening a lot lately, but for my bro and I "accuracy" in game reviews has come to mean "agreement with us". That said, the most accurate review is one you write yourself ;)
Assuming you're diligent enough to do it at a length that does the game justice. These are our attempts at The Most Accurate Game Reviews You Will Ever Read. <grin>
-- ZP
Isaac Lu (meepokman) reviews Gears of War (for Windows!!!)
To start off, I want you to know that this review will be slightly less hateful than the others, seeing as how much I like the game for being not only a PC exclusive but also such a good one. What with all those poor Xbox 360 players having soooo much trouble with the game whether with lousy graphics or worse accuracy. (If you own a console, please accept my sympathies).
Ok, let’s go down to tearing the game up. Gears of War, which is mostly just a gore fest featuring a group of tough looking manly men who have bigger muscles than all the actors in 300 combined and probably have taken more steroids each than the entire USSR Olympic team in the 1980s.
From what I was able to deduce from the game’s story, a human-controlled planet has been taken over by some mean, evil looking aliens who seem more interested in putting on disgusting make-up and making funny noises than actually killing stuff (which they do with supreme ease). Said aliens are well…… killing stuff, what did you expect?
You can see the game is not too big on story. It has you killing hordes of them with all kinds of cool weapons and eventually ending with a climatic showdown with a real ugly bastard who has fucked up his face over with too much plastic surgery and you activating a bomb that kills all the other bastards in the same way the Yanks tore up Al-Qaeda underground.
Now, let’s get to work on the game itself. First the good. This game is one of the best games ever made with easy controls, great graphics and LOTS OF GORE!! All the weapons are great in their own ways and makes up for the linearity of the story with many ways to play through it. Voice acting is also top notch with each character speaking naturally and with his own style. Characters are also very well drawn with each having their own unique personalities and lines. The best weapon is the “chainsaw bayonet”. Just power it up and step close to the bastard. It fucks over his whole body and leaves him (I’m sure in most cases it’s a him) crumbling in a pile of bloody pieces. It is THE most satisfying weapon of any game I've played before or since. A big bonus: this is one game that appreciates the value of a good shotgun.
Overall, Gears is a giant leap for games to follow in terms of weapons and voice acting. It also does away with the mute protagonist that I have ranted about endlessly in my previous reviews.
Still, for such a good game, some parts are still fucked up. The combat is laborious and every enemy takes about a million bullets just to kill. Also, with beautiful graphics comes arse-rape of computer systems. Even though I played it on medium graphics and sound with my super powerful gaming computer, it stilled chugged along and I had to give it encouragement, the way a mother coos her kid to walk before it would work. Also, the story lets us down with a lousy cliff hanger ending at the end. Animations could be a little more varied though, with the main character always doing the same FUCKING animation whenever he opens a door. Lastly, THE FUCKERS REMOVED SPLIT SCREEN CO-OP FROM THE PC VERSION. I enjoyed it so much with Kane & Lynch as you may have read in my earlier review but now these pricks have taken it away. What the fuck do I have a 22-inch screen for?
To sum it up, this is a great game that is well worth the $53 I paid for it. It’s creatively thought out and fun to play, unlike say, Bioshock or Call of Duty 4 that feel like a second job. Give it a chance—play it through and you will find it is well worth saving up to buy.
Now... the H.O.N.O.U.R. system. (http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2007/12/oms-and-airborne.html at the bottom of the post).
H – Honesty
8/10, it falls short due to the lack of design for the enemies but I forgive that and give it an 8 due to the great character choices. The simple story works to its advantage with a easy to follow plot.
O – Originality
8/10, cool cover system gives the game its merits. Still, the story needs some work—which is a shame given the richness of the world Epic Games has created.
N – N-joyment
9/10, it is fun for almost the whole game but some parts are overly difficult and tedious. Combat is intense but not unrealistically difficult.
O – Overhype
10/10, nothing to complain about. Fuck off if you were looking for faults in this one.
U – User-friendliness
7/10. Great controls but IT REMOVES SPLIT SCREEN CO-OP. THAT JUST CANNOT BE FORGIVEN. Lousy Games for Windows Live also ruins the multi-player which I may have considered for a while.
R – Revisitability
8/10. Hard to get bored from playing this again and again but it may happen after some time.
Overall rating: 9/10. If you are short on money but want a game, I would recommend saving up and buying this one. It is a much better investment than the Xbox 360 version which I have also played. Still, if you are really short on money, I would recommend Kane & Lynch: Dead Men over it, or if you have a buddy at home who wants to play at the same time.
Credits:
Review by: Isaac Lu
Imaginary background music: Isaac Lu
Idea for reviews: Isaac Lu and Lu Zheng Ping
Gracefully hosted by: Lu Zheng Ping
H.O.N.O.U.R. system by: Lu Zheng Ping
Whipped brutally and edited by: Lu Zheng Ping
Ask me how I feel about writing shit like this when my ‘O’ level results are just days away at: isaacluzr@gmail.com
Now, I just need a favour… FILL UP THE COMMENTS PAGE YOU LAZY LOT!! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK BEFORE I IMPROVE!!
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