Things I Hate #8: Those Ads on TVMobile (and TVMobile itself, come to think of it)

That's right.

Come on, two of the downright WORST ads I've ever seen were on TVMobile, and on a bus you're at best a captive audience. Every time they publish their viewership stats I want to puke.

Because it's not a valid viewership stat if viewers have not freely chosen to watch your channel. That's the obvious gauge of a TV channel's popularity--how many tune in out of their free choice, not how many buses keep you forced to the tube while you ride them.

Imagine this--I'm putting dogs through feed trials. How accurate do you suppose the results will be if I chained the dogs up, left only MR. KIBBLE brand dog food for them to munch on 24/7, and refused to allow them any other kind of nourishment?

No other brands. No other food. No biscuits. Just MR. KIBBLE.

And presto, I announce that out of 100 pooches sample, 95% took to it like bees to honey, wolfing it down and growing healthy and happy.

I neglect to mention what happens to the other 5%--but would this kind of trial be a fair indication of the taste and nutritional value of MR. KIBBLE?

It's the same thing for TVMobile. Right now it's filled with banal advertisements you need the patience of Job to sit through--and at least God could hear Job when he complained.

Just two examples that really churn my stomach:

BILE-INDUCING ADVERT #1:

That Environmentalism Ad With The Long-Faced Young People and The Stupid Music in The Background

I'm not as creative as most people in advertising, but whoever dreamed up this ad are NOT "most people". First is the horrible tune that jars ears and irritates everyone to the point they turn and look out for what's making that hideous noise; only to find out it's the overture for a hyper-serious young man beginning to preach for the Church of Environmentalism. He speaks one sentence; then it's a girl, then an-NOTH-er guy and they ARE ALL sPEA-king Li-IKE this.

"If I can work for a cleaner and greener environment..." the last speaker says. All I can reply is don't expect me to join you, feller. You've just cost me three minutes of my life I'll never get back. And if my ears could afford lawyers, they'd sue.

BILE-INDUCER #2:

That Long, Long, Long Trailer for The Leap Years That Shows Scene After Scene From The Movie With No Rhyme Or Reason And Then Somehow Expects Us To Be Interested Enough To See It Despite Thinking "OK, Enough Already!" A Dozen Times

I think I've made my point after those few words. The movie trailer, unfortunately, doesn't--instead, we're treated to snippet after snippet of Wong Li-Lin, Ananda Everingham and the cast of The Leap Years as the movie's plot plays out in vignette-calendar picture-vignette-vignette-calendar-vignette-repeat order. Gee, Mr. Marketing Man, did the studio bosses threaten to have you fired, roasted and well-done if you didn't take pains to show EVERY cast member in the trailer? The obsession the trailer has with covering everyone from Wong to Vernetta Lopez to Qi Yuwu is just plain creepy. Less regard seems to have been shown to audience information and cohesion than to simply having cast members go about their business as if to say "This is a very emotionally-charged movie!"

I'm not interested in going on and on and dragging myself down to that level; the trailer doesn't deserve my emulation, thanks very much.

Guest review 6: Call of Duty 4 (again)

Isaac Lu (meepokman) reviews Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Now, I know I have not written in a long time; no excuse for that, mainly laziness. I never intended to do this now but upon witnessing my horrible English in an online conversation, I gave myself a good slap in the bollocks.

Now Call of Duty 4 has been hailed by critics as much as some Indians do a deformed human which they regard as some kind of god for no good reason at all. (It depends on who does the beholding--Ed.)

Upon popping in the disc, I prepared myself for a fucked-up experience, as all games hailed by critics tend to be all shoved up the development team’s arse twice over. But put away your shit shields readers, it is not that bad.

For those of you who are not familiar with Call of Duty, it started out as one of THE BEST WW2 shooters in the market. It was followed a couple of years later by COD2. Also quite good, but did not have the same wow factor as the first. Then, the publishers decided that they could squeeze the licence a little more and made COD3. It is quite enough to say it sucked (along with all the sucky portable-console versions that shit on themselves).

COD 4 manages to rescue some of the original flavour while farting in your face at others. Game play in single player is broken up into a Yank prick and a Brit smart arse. Both are mute, something I hate in games almost as evil hadjis. (see http://www.thereligionofpeace.com/) The American parts focus more on stupid action with retards as your teammates. It is quite enough to say that the US Marines have to reject this game altogether, as it portrays them as total idiots. Thankfully, the Yank is killed VERY early in the game. The rest of the game follow the SAS (Special Air Service) using stealth mixed with action. The SAS parts are darn well done, making you suspect that the American parts were all done when the dev team was high on Viagra.

Overall, the SP is fun for the most part, although the Yanks clearly fuck up, without giving too many spoilers.

Now, I don’t do this most of the time but I have to say that multi-player is where the game excels in. It is nothing short of GREAT, FABULOUS or maybe all kinds of similar words to describe it. Hardcore or casual action is up to you, countless styles of game play paired up with many low lag servers in Australia or New Zealand, which are available all the time.

It is well worth buying in my opinion, with a great SAS campaign, well countering its bastard sibling in the Marine sections. Oh yes, I forgot, the graphics are GREAT even though they hardly drain the computer at all.

I would greatly recommend this game, although it is a far cry from say Crysis, (see http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2008/02/guest-review-5-crysis.html) or Kane and Lynch (see http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2008/01/guest-review-2-because-i-tired.html). If you have some spare cash after buying both afore-mentioned games, I would really recommend it.

Darn, I forgot again, multi-player also has this damn cool character development system. You can upgrade your weapons and gain new ranks... cool stuff like that.

Anyway, that aside, the awaited H.O.N.O.U.R. system. (http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2007/12/oms-and-airborne.html at the bottom of the post)

H – Honesty

4/10. Shitty story which hardly makes sense. The supposed “same location” in “the middle east” jumps all over the place. No NBC (Nuclear, Biological and Chemical suits) are in the Yank parts despite the threat of a nuke in the city. Use of cheap tricks to drive the plot, although it does get 4/10 due to the cool SAS parts.

O – Originality

Single Player—1/10. Same old boring shit as other rip offs. I don’t give out Zeros but then again, maybe I should.

Multi Player—9/10. Just plain cool. At least they try something different with the MP areas of the game. Not as good as say… Insurgency, which is a FREE MOD but still one of the best MP games out there.

N – N-joyment

7/10. Fun for the most part, with the SAS and multiplayer. But the Marine sections just bring dishonour to the men who have defended freedom since 1775!!

O – Overhype

5/10. Single player never really delivered. MP though makes up for it… ALTHOUGH NOT ENOUGH!! CALL OF DUTY IS A SINGLE PLAYER GAME FIRST YOU PRICKS AT THE DEV TEAM!!

U – User-friendliness

8/10. Good for the most part, easy to use controls, although not being able to upgrade weapons in the field like you can in Crysis kills the score a little.

R – Revisitability

10/10. Nothing to complain about here; the game has the “let’s play it again and again” feel to it.

Overall rating:

8/10. A cool and fun game. A must-buy if you are into this sought of mindless action, but still not as good as Crysis.

Credits:

Review by: Isaac Lu

Imaginary background music: Isaac Lu

Idea for reviews: Isaac Lu and Lu Zheng Ping

Gracefully hosted by: Lu Zheng Ping

H.O.N.O.U.R. system by: Lu Zheng Ping

Smacked for being lazy and not updating the blog by me: Lu Zheng Ping

Ask me how much I want to hantam my own Archbishop: isaacluzr@gmail.com

Please don’t worry about shitting on the comments page. I welcome all feedback, even if you are a blind democrat who spills hate speech.

VOTE FOR MCCAIN!! FOR FREEDOM!! http://www.johnmccain.com/

Things I Hate #9: School

I've had a thing against surrendering five to six hours daily against my will to sadistic bullies who knew full well primary one through secondary two kids were somehow too young to figure out they were being bullied.

Pull out the cane! Snatch his exercise book! Look, he's fucking crying!

(Those were the teachers, by the way.)

Yep, those days are over, but very few of my memories from primary and lower secondary school are particularly pleasant. Beyond that I think I did OK, but how much of that was due to the sadism of The Worst Example Of A Christian I Have Ever Met and the relish The Wicked Chinese Teacher of the East took in tormenting me, I've no idea.

And fortunately, my Lower Primary Chinese teacher, I've forgotten your name or even which year you taught me, but you expect an 8-year-old kid to know his mom's supposed to flip through every shitty page of his damned exercise book and personally sign it? Sure, humiliate him for being helpful and signing the stupid thing himself.

<Censored> you. No, it's not the F-bomb in there; the thought's just too unpleasant. And I do remember the name of a slandering b*****d in Sec 2 who made me stand at the back of the class for something I didn't do (and that was before I knew I could complain to the principal).

So there you have it; I like to think I turned out OK, but I'd never wish the horrors of my first 8 years of education on anyone. Whoever heaps accolades on times like this for "toughening me up" deserves to be shot.

(And no, I don't mean that literally. I fully respect their right to say whatever claptrap they wish.)

So only time and fading memory prevent school from being higher on the list. Stay tuned for #8...

... Make up your own mind...

... because I'm too (busy/disgusted/tired of arguing points which feels too much like school). Pick one.

http://timescolumns.typepad.com/gledhill/2008/02/has-the-archbis.html#more

More to come; I wrote an essay before the Archbishop spoke up, but it might do with a little updating. Till then, see you round...

Meanwhile I leave you with a verse to digest--Ezekiel 22:26. Look it up.

Guest review 5: Crysis

Ok, now that I have stopped drooling over my copy of Crysis I guess it is time to review it. Just before I got the game, I was thinking about how many reviewers are whores for graphics and are therefore saying it was great for just that reason. When I got the dough to buy it myself, I realized that was not the case-- but I can now piss over the console crowd with Crysis. (not that I have not been pissing on you, it is just that I have a bigger reason to now, if you remember my Gears of War review.)

Crysis is a game that features a squad of elite US Army Special Forces troops in cool-looking nanosuits which have the power to enhance everything from strength to speed. They're flown in to the Lingshan Islands (in the Philippine Sea) to rescue a research team that the North Koreans have captured and done horrible things to. The plot goes on, and aliens appear for a good arse fuck somewhere around halfway through the game. It then has a shitty cliff-hanger ending that I hate, for the record. Well, that is basically the story in a nutshell.

Right, for the good. Crysis stands out in just everything, from a believable story (aside from it being too close to the present day) to well drawn characters and AI. If you realize, I tend to give less word count in the review to graphics, as I feel that it is not as important as AI, story or gameplay. Don’t worry, it will stay the same this week. The graphics are great, everything looks like how they do in real life, and it is the kind of stuff graphics whores will love… yes, that’s all I will say about it.

Now for the game play.

Controls are top notch, with more than enough bindings and with a keyboard and mouse, headshots are easy as usual. But this time, all the controls are overhauled to give PC players a fun experience. A good example is The Witcher which is not like some horrible console port (see Medal of Honor: Airborne), which features too much pandering to the dirty underlings of the console world, not giving the heavenly PC players what they deserve. AI is also close to perfect, with the Korean bastards who try to kill you using proper squad tactics and therefore, making the whole game a satisfying challenge from one fight to another. The world is vastly open ended, with endless paths into enemy camps to do all sorts of things. My preferred method is to turn invisible for a short time with my nanosuit and give the Koreans a nasty surprise from behind, something stalkers will enjoy. THE GAME ALSO HAS A FUCKING GOOD SHOTGUN. Something I love, if you have read my Gears of War review.

Still, there are things that fuck up a game, no matter how good.

For one, Crysis has a horrible cliff hanger ending that I hate so much, because I see these things as a gimmick to milk the series for even more money. Another thing is the horrible treatment of my computer system. I wanted to go to the United Nations for international crimes against my computer, but knowing how useless they are I just turned down the graphics even more. Don’t get me wrong, the game still looks better that all others in the market now even with medium graphical setting.

One level is also fucked up. At one point, you are to go into an alien ship with zero gravity. It is easy to get lost, as everywhere looks the same. I call it the "Halo series” syndrome, where areas are identical to each other and the level designer is just crazy.

Still, BUY THIS GAME. It is the best of 2007 and I doubt anything in 2008 is going to top it. Ok, fine, except Brothers in Arms 3, but SHUT UP I am trying to make a point here. Even if your computer is not powerful, you will still have great fun, although you will be missing out on the lovely graphics. But that's about it.

Now... the H.O.N.O.U.R. system. (http://grace-and-salt.blogspot.com/2007/12/oms-and-airborne.html at the bottom of the post).

H – Honesty

9/10. All in the story is great, except the shitty ending.

O – Originality

8/10. Cool new nanosuit idea never used in a game before but same shooter mechanics as before. Nothing wrong with that but it just docks the “O” score a little.

N – N-joyment

9.9/10. The whole game is DAMN FUN, one of the best of the year. Only slight problems with one mission, but nothing to stop you from buying it.

O – Overhype

10/10. All that was promised was delivered. Nothing to shit on here.

U – User-friendliness

10/10. Perfect controls, well done user interface and cool nanosuit powers.

R – Revisitability

9/10. Just something you cannot get tired of playing. Thrashing North Koreans never gets old.

Overall rating: 9.9/10. Almost perfect. Not there yet, but then again, who is, except maybe John McCain.

Credits:

Review by: Isaac Lu

Imaginary background music: Isaac Lu

Idea for reviews: Isaac Lu and Lu Zheng Ping

Gracefully hosted by: Lu Zheng Ping

H.O.N.O.U.R. system by: Lu Zheng Ping

Smashed down and reassembled by: Lu Zheng Ping

Ask me why I spit on console players the same way Indians of a higher caste do on lower ones at: isaacluzr@gmail.com

Now, I am getting tired of saying this but please FILL UP THE COMMENTS PAGE!! It is the least you can do after all the work I put in.

 

JOHN McCAIN FOR PRESIDENT!! http://johnmccain.com/

Not yet

No guest review yet, folks; there's been a little delay. Check back Tuesday; thanks!

TOP TEN THINGS I HATE: #10

OK, here's an attempt at writing something more whimsical than the ravings of some mad mullahs far, far away. Please note that the exact magnitude of my hatred of something has nothing to do with its nature whatsoever; Islamic terror is as likely to be on this list as fluffy dice in cars and cheesy environmental-awareness ads. Without further ado, presenting no. 10...

10. BULK ORDERS AT FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS

Imagine joining a nice and short queue, probably no more than two or three people in front of you. Then it dawns on you why THIS queue is so short and everyone else is lining up at the others--because the person in front is doing all the talking and his tray is filling up with enough food to feed the entire SAF.

You've seen it, I'm sure; huge families, groups of students sending one rep to order while they huddle over piles of change; or a gigantic take-out. These orders are unavoidable though something of a nuisance; but at least I'm more annoyed than outright willing to pull a... wait, guns are banned. I've no time to think of consequences for holding up the line while so many more servings are piled on, so I'll just serve this up as no. 10 on my list.

More to come...

A Disgusted Anglican

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article3292032.ece

This brother in the Church of England shouldn't need protection in his adopted country; it's hardly any surprise when murderous b*****ds threaten your life in Pakistan, but for them to do so in England is just...

Never mind what he said might just have been true. The only thing the church authorities care about is the "progress" they have made towards dialogue--the support they ought to be giving a fellow-servant of the Lord is thrown aside in an attempt to carry on the misguided denials they spout over and over again.

I don't know how true the Bishop of Rochester's claims are. I don't know if his colleagues are ever going to see reason or convince the Muslim population to do likewise. But I think this--an organisation that shows so little regard for a brother and so much regard for what Muslims will think has no place telling Islam (which hasn't shown much desire to return the favour) what to do; and one that so eagerly forsakes its vision has no place telling ME what to do and believe either.

Frankly, it's one of those times I'm fundamentally disgusted to be an Anglican... and fundamentally thankful our Lordship is in heaven, beyond distinction of denomination or board.

Stand firm in the faith and the God we all trust and serve, Dr. Nazir-Ali. The Church of God should have better things to do than put down a good bishop whose only crime was stating his opinion--and maybe telling the truth in the process.